So as you know, the internet is full of "love your body" stuff. And I want to be on board. I really want to be all "I'm a modern woman and I love my body". But to be honest, I am really disappointed by my body on a daily basis.
|This can get stuffed. I loathe and mistrust it on multiple levels.|
For a start, I'm almost always hungry. This, despite a regular eating schedule, with all the fresh produce, home-cooked meals, occasional dining-out, and honestly frequent delicious cakes a yuppy ingrate could wish for. And still, the stomach, it rumbles, and the tongue, it craves.
And then there is the ever-increasing, pathological, fear of being cold. So much so that I don't swim at the beach EVER (even though we live walking distance from it), and I overdress ridiculously (to the point of sweating), and I avoid going out in the winter ...even though Vancouver has the warmest winters in all of Canada.
And I have pervasive adult acne. Enough said.
But also, and more worryingly, I keep injuring my core. In February (part of the reason why I took a break from blogging, because I was feeling so god damn sorry for myself), I injured my Sacro-Iliac Joint (that's my arse, in lay terms). And before that, it was my hip flexor. And before that, it was my left groin. And before that, it was my right groin. AND BEFORE THAT EVEN, I have an old lower back disc injury which I manage with regular "floor work" (f*ing floor work, am I right?) Are you seeing a pattern here? About once every 6 months since 2011, I end up on the couch with a heat pack and an ice pack and a hefty physiotherapy bill.
As you know, I like to do regular moderate exercise. At my local gym, and in my neighbourhood when the weather permits. I track this with the Map My Run website. Because I am not getting any younger and because I sit on my arse for a living. Literally: in front of a computer upwards of 13 hours a day, usually 10 of those hours at the office. I have made a lot of life choices to get to this point. And maybe not all of them were in the best interests of my lower back specifically and my core generally. But whatever, those choices have been made.
I am 95% recovered from my SI joint injury, which was excruciating, embarrassing, funny and temporarily disabling. I actually had to have an "arse massage", to relieve my "arse tension" (Yes. That is a thing. That I really had). I feel so betrayed by my body. I feel (perhaps unreasonably but nevertheless honestly) that my body punishes me for the life choices I have made to be unfit until my late twenties and to work in an office. I know that I should be overwhelmingly grateful that I have a working body with no diseases, a body that has allowed me to always be employed and traveled the world. My body even ran a half marathon last year, and not that slowly, either! But still, I feel like I am negotiating with it always, that it is demanding of me always, and that I am exhausted by my body just as I exhaust it.
My body should be bloody grateful that I feed it fresh fruit and vegetables, that I get regular sleep, and that I have radically reduced my alcohol intake. Instead I am hungry, cold, and a bit achy from all this sitting. So excuse me if I am reluctant to embrace the concept of body love.